Journal of less important matters 09/09/2020

Confession.

Since I was a child, freedom, justice and truth were of the highest importance for me. I know that in our culture it’s assumed that children know nothing and that they don’t have voice, and that parents must tell them what they should be like, but it’s a very false point of view. Children are smart and they can think for themselves.

Back in school years, I knew exactly what was right and what wasn’t. I hated it when someone tried to impose their opinion on me by presenting me false facts to justify their position. I hated it when at school a group of friends bullied one girl or boy just because the “boss” of the group was in such a mood. I felt hurt as much as those bullied were. I was never afraid to express my opinion even when it contradicted the teacher completely. I was being me, the authentic me. The one who trusts her intuition and could never push herself to do anything that felt not right or against her. Injustice and abuse hurt me the most always.

However, despite my pure nature and strong moral spine, my head was being continuously filled with westernized pop culture images shown on the TV as well as with the “generational wisdom” on how to live that was passed on me by my family members and teachers; the truly Soviet approach. Get a good job and keep it even if you don’t like it, agree to whatever they say to avoid conflict, don’t take risk for your comfort zone is much safer, however toxic, but still something that you know how to handle. I grew up with music and books and films that all presented life as doomed, miserable and depressive necessity before one dies. A life you have no power over. A life that if started badly one could never fix. They all showed me that being in love means suffering and tears. They all showed me that as a girl I couldn’t act upon the situation, but wait for the prince to come and save me. But save me from what? And was the suffering about? Back then when I was young, despite my intuition and common sense, I fell for the trap of “modern life story” as presented by the western world.

Even three years ago, I’d feed my ears with the “save me boy” lyrics of a back then rising pop singer. It got stuck in my head, because somehow the lyrics could relate to what I was told my whole life about love. I wasn’t at my best, so that was something I was desperately holding on to, that was my silent cry sent to my prince to come and save my broken soul. Never happened, as you probably guessed right. I, however, kept on waiting for him. Days were passing by, silence only interrupted by inaudible murmurs coming from the street. He wasn’t there. Every footstep echoing on the cobblestones in the patio brought back hope that maybe he showed up for me, hope that only last for a second. He wasn’t there. His windows turning different shades of gray, darker every day. He wasn’t there.

And that was the moment. The veil fell down. I realized the bullshit I was feeding myself for all those years. “Save me, boy” while he couldn’t even control himself. What was I thinking? And poor girl who wrote that song, maybe she’s still sitting and waiting for her knight on a white horse? I realized that waiting for someone to do the job is a very comfortable way of avoiding taking responsibility for your own life, your choices and change that could be implemented. Sitting and waiting, that’s the easiest way. I followed that way for a few weeks, it led me nowhere. It only added more frustration and annoyance, broken expectations and lost hopes.

I was left with no choice. I had to save myself by myself. I became my very own superhero(ine,) a Wonder Woman; fearless, hell-bent and ready to go. I turned my every struggle into strength, weakness into willpower, fear into faith. I took all my failures and used them to lay strong foundations of my new house. My temple; my soul’s safety lot. It took some time for me to fully regain my balance, to take my power back, but I managed.

Would I even ever know how much power slept in me if you’d always been next to me? If I’d turned to you with every issue, the nitty-gritty, the trivialities? Would I ever know that your absence exposed my greatest strengths and character? Would I know how much I’m worth if I’d continuously put you first and neglected myself? Would I know that I am able to speak my truth, hold on to my values and beliefs and fight for the right treatment against all odds and winning the battles ALL BY MYSELF?

During my journey, I was reminded many times by the circumstances about my roots, my nature and the things I believed when I was younger. I reflected on my life, I had many sleepless night with bitter tears falling down my cheeks. The bitterness was the realization on how far away from myself I drifted, how lost I got because of the programming I received. At some point, I gathered my strength. I took the most important decision in my whole life. I chose myself. I chose to follow my inner voice and be guided by that light I always felt in my heart. I chose to stick to my rules, values and beliefs. No matter what. I set the boundaries and I won’t erase them for anyone. A few might not like that for they won’t be able to manipulate me anymore, they won’t be able to drag me into their storms and to baste on me. They won’t break me. The strength I’ve gathered can move the mountains if I need it to. The calmness of my mind, the clarity of thought and the purpose I have in life are the fuel in my life.

Since I was a child, freedom, justice and truth were of the highest importance for me. I’ll lead my life according to them. I’ll make them the foundations of my life for the future. I’ll build on them, I’ll create the better. That’s my manifesto. That’s my confession.

LK.

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