Journal of less important matters 05/05/2020

Such a peculiar thing this life is.

One year ago, in fact even last week, I was sitting and remembering my Icelandic days. I truly missed the place, its vibes and the stress-free life I’d lead there. I even started to think how it’d be like to be back, to start all over again there. To leave the worry I have here behind, once again, and embark on a new adventure. It was a pleasant idea. Being back in the land of ice and fire where everything is black or white, hot or cold. Maybe that was the reason my life there felt so simple. No unnecessary complication, it’s this or that, easy choice. Probably, a perfect situation for an overthinker. Definitely, it helped me live a life free from fake drama or imaginary problems.

As tempting as this idea might seem I also remembered the reasons why, eventually, I decided to leave and be back to my country. I remembered how difficult to live was the climate there and how much I wanted to avoid spending my third winter there. I remembered how hard-to-impossible was the cooperation with Icelanders as since I was Polish they would only look down on me. I remembered how good a decision it was to leave for my mental and emotional development. I remembered how much I’ve learnt about myself since I was back for if I hadn’t left, I’d have forever lived in a bubble of repressed feelings and obsessively focusing on looks. I remembered how emotionally lost I felt there. No one talks about feelings or emotions there. Instead, people just get drunk or take pills in order to not feel and pretend everything is fine. I remembered how much I didn’t want to live in a world like this.

Yesterday, I realized that I finally stopped missing my Icelandic bubble – idealized by time and hardship of experiences I encountered when I was back. Yesterday, I looked at the events with a fresh eye and perspective. There was a reason for me to come back and there was a reason for me to go through it all. It was very similar back there in Iceland, but it didn’t bother me as much as when I’ve been here. It feels as if I were in a sort of a coma back there and my return was an awakening that started my journey to the roots, to who I was and who I want to be. And most importantly, what I want to represent.

Yesterday, I didn’t want to be back. I didn’t feel any nostalgia. Iceland has become a warm memory just like Spain, Portugal, the Balkans. It’s one of the travels I took to broaden my horizons.

Yesterday, I felt good about my current situation. I learnt that I can take it easy here as well, I learnt that work-life balance is not so difficult to obtain if you really want it. I learnt that talking about emotions and expressing them is great for you health and can be of a benefit for others struggling with themselves. I learnt that my story can be motivating for others to break through their blocks. I learnt that my country is not that bad, after all. I learnt that my place is here, in Poland. I’m exactly where I need to be.

And who knows, maybe after all the years Warsaw is actually the place I’ll grow old in?

Love, LK.

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