My Blue Eyes PART FIVE

My blue eyes. My big blue eyes. All the fuss because of my big eyes. Or rather because my eyes are big. Surprisingly, that’s what the doctors told me. People who have big eyes are more prone to suffer different eye problems due to abnormal shape/size of an eye. If that had been correctly treated when I was a child, I wouldn’t have had to be suffering so much as an adult. Well, we learn all our lives.

My medical treatment and the convalescence time were a good opportunity for me to re-evaluate my life purpose, my goals and wishes, and where I’d like to be. I thought I had it all planned and decided. But the more time I spent without work and other responsibilities the more doubts came to my mind. Did I really need to buy an apartment or was it because I wanted to be more like my settled friends? Did I actually need an apartment? Did I want to live in blocks? Did I want to continue my work as a teacher or should I change something in my career? Was having a family unit really my life purpose or would it block my independence? Should I stay close to my family or should I just go somewhere far away and begin again? What about him?

I spent hours thinking it over and over again. So many sleepless nights with thoughts running in my head like wild horses. Whenever I thought I had the answer an unexpected memory flashed. I was lost and confused, and the pain didn’t help me at all. Or maybe it was just the case. It kept me awake and on alert all day and all night long to force me to go deeper and deeper ad find the essence of Self.

Who am I now? Who was I before the crisis in my life? Why did it affect me so much? Was it only the crisis or was it just the culmination of all the bad events and wrong people that showed up in my life? Can I get over it? Is it possible to move on? Am I able to forget the trauma? Am I able to trust again? Will I manage to find the way to this old, naive and always optimistic girl that I used to be? I liked her a lot, it wasn’t easy to be “the old me”, but it was fun. Always smiley, enjoying life, adventurous, brave, friendly and nice, but beware those who wanted to fool me. I’ve always had a sharp tongue, though. I’ve lost my flame somewhere on the way. Maybe I was just tired, burnt out, disillusioned with people and life. Looking back at the old and current self it felt as if I was watching two different people battling in my head. But what about my heart?

I once had a consultation with a fortune teller. It was a very peculiar experience. She told me a lot about myself, the things that I’d already known as a matter of fact, however she gave me a lot of insight on how to improve my life and relations with others. She also mentioned what would happen in the near future. I didn’t believe a word she told me. Most of the things, however, happened. But she told me one very important advice, which later on was repeated by my Indian friend, who as well had a gift to read other people’s energies. They both told me to always follow my heart and use head only in business. I trusted my intuition, it never failed. When I had a feeling about someone or something, it was never a wrong one. Follow my heart as it possesses all the answers. Follow my heart, it knows the best.

One day it simply clicked. I woke up with clarity, I simply knew where my life path is headed. I knew where my heart wants to be.

Once you know what you truly want in life, it gets so much easier.


© Lusessita Kingsley 2020


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