Journal of less important matters 20/10/2019

Everything happens for a reason.

And for a reason 9 months ago I decided to move back to my hometown.

On one hand, I was fed up with big city life, and all the distressing memories that were haunting me wherever I’d go. I needed a break.

On the other hand, I felt I should be living closer to my parents. They’re not so young anymore and as a daugther I feel responsibility to take care of them and help whenever they need it.

It was much more than that, as it turned out.

It seemed like travel in time. The town didn’t change much. It is almost exactly as it were when I left it 10 years ago. I happened to be back to the old me, the 10-year younger me, the hesitant, shy, insecure and full of complexes me.

I left my hometown because I was suffocating. The town felt claustrophobic, way too small for me. I moved out after the first big heartbreak that I was served by a guy I was in love almost all studies and my (at that time) best friend.

The relations with my parents were far from perfect at that time as well, we couldn’t find common ground, especially with my mom. My father was never there anyway.

It was the time for me to move away and start the life on my own, just as I wanted it to be.

I traveled places and the unhealed emotions, however, were traveling with me through all that time.

When I moved back here, everything came back to me. Funny I say that, I thought I was all good with what happened years ago. I thought I forgave my parents, I thought I didn’t care about the story with my friend and that guy.

But it all came back to me.

I started meeting old friends, they were exactly in the same place as when I left them. Ten years and nothing changed for them. I met that guy a few times, as well. He’s married with a daughter now. It must have felt awkard to him to meet me since he’d always hide or run away from me. Or maybe, it was the feeling of guilt he felt upon meeting me?

Either way, all the encounters and chats with my friends proved to me how distant they have become to me. How much I experienced in life, because I dared to risk and moved out.

It was a sad reflection that I realized. I don’t belong in my hometown, not anymore. I outgrew it mentally. There’s no place for me here.

I had hard moments with my parents, as well.A lot of bitter memories, a lot of unhealed pain.

It took me some time, but I forgave them. This time for real. I didn’t run away from it, I faced my feeling, I found the source, I healed the wounds.

It’s much better between us, and I’m really happy about that. Life’s short and you don’t know how for how long I still get to have them in mine.

I don’t want to stand above their graves and cry out of regret that I didn’t tell them the things I always wanted because the past pain would stop me.

I moved through that.

Everything happens for a reason.

And for a reason 9 months ago I decided to move back to my hometown.

It was my sanatorium, the recovery I much needed.

I’ll stay here a few weeks more, to gain more strength, to sustain balance, to invigorate myself.

I understood a lot about myself or the relations with others. I realized why it never worked out with any man in the end, I found out what I was doing wrong.

I accapted myself the way I am. With all my flaws. But also with all my strengths.

I no longer fight against, I no longer chase.

I live. I appreciate what I have. I enjoy every moment of my life as if it was the last. I am. I feel. I breathe.

– With love, LK

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