Journal of less important matters 01/09/2019

Writer’s block or too much work? Or both?

Something has stopped me from writing. Seems to me like thoughts in my head were way too incomprehensible to be shared with others. I took some off to think. To observe what was there inside me. A lot of difficult reflections and a few surprising conclusions. Most of them proved to be only the product of my imagination. As sad as it may seem, however, it was quite invigorating to, firstly, realize that the unspoken can grow to pretty gigantic issues in your head, which of course involves a huge dose of overthinking. Second thing was finally freeing myself from the limiting beliefs that prevented me from seeing things in a different light. I also learnt that I am very much faithful to my inner system of moral and ethical values that have been shaping my life since I remember. It’s nice to observe that I stay loyal to myself and don’t go where the whistle blows. I’ve always had my private legal system that gives me stability and grounding and thanks to which I have been able to lead my life truly guided by my intuition and in accordance with my heart.

Today, I woke up feeling differently, like a heavy stone was finally off my chest. For the first time in a long, long while I felt rested. When I opened my eyes I didn’t feel anything which would shake my body and give me anxiety. I felt peace. I felt good. I was calm.

I later read a question on one of my social media accounts that went

“What was the last time you did something for the first time?”

It gave me thoughts to think about. I don’t remember. I’ve been repeating the same old patterns for many months now, and it feels like the comfort zone has tamed for good in my life. I’m not sure whether I like it, though. I was the adventurous type all my life. Never afraid to try something new, always ready to embark on a journey, never settled, never possessed too much of material goods. And it changed at some point. Can a person change this much, really? Or is it just a baser instinct telling me to act this way to protect myself from more pain that would perhaps accompany this crazy lifestyle? Seems like life has already beaten me up enough and I somehow don’t want to repeat any of the negative ever again. And I don’t even feel like checking it.

Is staying in comfort zone the right solution, though? Should I spend the rest of my life playing it safe? Is it still me?

Much love, LK.

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