Journal of less important matters 16/06/2019

Brazen it out, brazen it out, deny it, delude yourself. Whatever you do, but the problem will still be there.

I’ve sat at the computer with an attempt to write about the disconnectedness from feelings that is so common nowadays, denying the truth, fearing to fight for what you love, etc. While I was trying to collect my thoughts on the topic and prepare the first draft, strangely I found myself unable to push the subject in any direction.

I’ve always tried to understand everything that was happening around me. I needed that to move on, to close the issue, to have something I can reason with. I spent hours analyzing the past events, working on different scenarios, tried walking in others’ shoes, looking for excuses (I called them explanations) for certain behaviors of others. It literally was eating me out. And usually, I couldn’t find the justifiable reason for anything. So I waited and waited for a turn of events (that most obviously never happened) so I could see the situation in new light, finally get my answers. Sometimes it’d last months. I fed myself with hope that maybe “tomorrow” was the magical day. But “tomorrow” never happened, nothing ever happened…

It’s been like that for months, even years now. And I can still see the same patterns of behaviors, the same old ways repeated a thousand’s time by the same people, people who I thought were dear to my heart. I’ve tried to understand that myself, I’ve tried to make others aware of their hurting behaviors, I’ve tried to communicate things, I’ve tried to start a dialog with them. And again, nothing happened.

So when I got down to writing today, I simply realized how tired of it I am now, and how much I don’t want to deal with this anymore. Today is my first day when I no longer seek to save the world. I’ve been giving so much of me to people who couldn’t appreciate it, I’ve been explaining others and defending them for their abusive behavior on me – because they were having bad days. I’ve been neglecting myself for the sake of others’ well-being. I’ve been putting up with a lot for the sake of acceptance. I haven’t received anything in return. I’ve been through a lot lately and no one was there to help me. It opened my eyes to the bitter truth. I’ve been flogging a dead horse for way too long now.

I’m tired, as a matter of fact, I really am. I have no more power to deal with this all again and again, because you aren’t willing to learn. Today is my first day when I no longer feel the need to understand. I simply accept. I don’t react. I don’t analyze. After all, it’s your live and no matter how much I’ll strive, I won’t change your mind if you don’t want to do it yourself. That’s fine with me. I no longer fight.

I’m not stupid, though. I see what’s happening. But this time, I’ll let you win. I’ll let you do whatever is there in your mind. Funny I say that, for I also did so in the past. You know how it ended, you know the consequences, you know how it felt. If you’re ready to repeat that for the sake of revenge – be my guest! I no longer care…

❤ Lusessita Kingsley

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