Journal of less important matters 07/06/2019

Whenever I come across any article about healing from traumatic experiences, their authors stress the importance of accepting and forgiving; both yourself and the person who hurt you. According to various specialists, that’s the most difficult part of the healing process.

Lately, I’ve been having flashbacks of events from my life that I thought were long forgotten. I’ve been reflecting on them for a while. They carry a lot of negative energy, thus, it’s not easy for me to analyze them. The more I think about them, however, the more I begin to understand the real problem I’ve been having ever since those particular events happened.

I’ve already come to terms with everything life put me through. I spent long hours explaining to myself that the past is past and that it’s gone and it has no influence on my current life, nor I have any influence on it or ability to change it. It happened. It had to happen. I accept that. I am ready to move on.

The next step took much more of my time. Forgiving. That’s a challenge. You look at certain people and immediately memories are flooding your mind. Anger starts kicking in, then annoyance, irritation… Most surely, the pain arrives as well bringing anxiety and panic attacks. You keep on looking, though, at those people so tears start falling. Thence you think; how on earth will you be actually able to forgive them for having given you so much pain? And to top it off, how will you forgive yourself for letting them into your life?

It took hours, weeks to be precise, I spent on self-reflection. I did my best to re-evaluate each and every situation as objectively as I could have been. Again, it took late night hours of self-talk and pillows soaked in tears to finally reach the state of forgiveness. I mastered that. It was a hell of a job for me. In fact, it felt like coming back from hell. It was worth it.

On that account then, according to a lot f articles my healing process should be completed and I should probably receive a certificate of a well-rounded spiritual being. With the only difference that I don’t really feel like one.

The feelings are still there. And they still bite. Differently, though.

Judging from my experience, the missing element for completing the healing process is the ability to forget and give yourself credit for future. All in all, life is also a bed of rose petals not only thorns. I realized that whenever I happen to find myself in a situation that is very much similar to the bad memories from the past my brain starts recollecting all the dirt from the corners of my memory and swipes them right to the foreground. I believe it’s a sort of a defense mechanism, which aims to protect me against future pain that could possibly be effectuated on me, again. It doesn’t have to, though.

Well, having the knowledge and a lot of experience I’ll now try and do something about it. I believe a glass of wine might help me a bit.

Cheers and stay tuned, folks!

❤ LK

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