Journal of less important matters 19/05/2019

“I must have been a very unhappy person”, I thought yesterday while listening to the birds singing outside. I wasn’t aware of so many beautiful things happening around me. I was too focused on myself, my suffering and pain. I had a good reason for that, but somehow I got lost in my thoughts so much that I stopped seeing the world around me. And I used to love doing so.

When I was a child, I adored sitting on a bench in front of a house and observe the sky. I was particularly interested in the stars. I’d sit outside in the late evening and wait for a shooting star so I could make a wish. Or I’d take the encyclopedia where I had pictures of constellations and with a help of a torch, I’d trace them in the sky. I loved those nights full of secrets I shared only with the moon and stars.

The adulthood didn’t leave me much time for dreaming. Maybe that was the reason why I gradually were losing my light, the inner child was slowly dying inside of me. When you graduate from college, everyone expects from you a career. They keep on motivating you to get a good job, to work hard to be promoted, to improve your skills, higher your qualifications, develop yourself in many different areas, and keep up with the excellent level of commitment and engagement at work that you present. It leaves no space for anything else, including following your dreams, enjoying life, if you even have one.

It happened that I belonged to that crazy race. I’d try to fight or rebel against it. I quit my job several times, moved abroad, searched for a better place to live, hoped to find a job that would be less demanding, less exhausting. I always ended up, however, giving as much. I was slowly vanishing, the true me, the dreamer, the merry child of the stars. I was gone, somewhere, I didn’t even know how and when that happened.

My substitute was all that I hated – proactive problem-solver having a ready solution to people’s all problems, a networker unafraid of time pressure dealing with stress in an excellent manner, a skilled manipulator who’d convince anyone to cooperate with and recommend me further. I’d observe myself and see how this corporate structure devoured me. I was right in the middle of it, hated it, but without a clue how to change it. My inner child silently weeping.

I was sitting on my balcony yesterday and thinking about it all. I guess I let it all happen to make other be proud of me. I abandoned my child’s dreams to fulfill the social role that was expected from me. I wanted to be seen as one of those successful women who prove they’re worth as much as men. Funny I say that, because I never even felt like proving anything to anyone. I knew my value from the start, yet I decided to play the game, probably to show everyone that I was able to. I’d do what was expected from me – study hard, work harder, climb the career ladder, earn money. The only problem was that money and fame were never my life goals.

The conflict in me grew and grew, more intensive every day. Until one day when everything in me exploded. Those were the rough times for me, several months of struggling with myself and with all the challenging circumstances I ended up being in. I had moments when I’d almost give up. It was all just too much for me. One evening, I was just sitting on the floor and started crying. I couldn’t handle it anymore. Something broke in me.

Starting from that day, I relaxed with this constant need of satisfying others. I looked inside me and checked what I really wanted to have in life. I set clear boundaries to how much I want to give, and more importantly to whom I want to share myself with. I began to nurse my inner child back to life. I started doing things that brought me happiness and satisfaction. I left the crazy corporate train. I’ll never get on it again.

Yesterday was a full moon. I waited on my balcony to see her. I gave her some wishes to be granted, I shared some secrets with the stars, too. All came back to normal.