Journal of less important matters 06/05/2019

My life has recently slowed down. I have more free time, I do more things for myself. I don’t spend most of my time at work. It doesn’t mean I have less work to do, but probably my attitude has changed.

I’ve always wanted to do everything the best I could. I gave a lot; too much way too often. When I was asked to give 100%, I usually gave 150% just in case. When I’m thinking about it now it’s pretty obvious to me that I sought acceptance and wanted to be seen as a reliable and trustworthy person. Since I’m very ambitious I couldn’t afford a mistake or problem on my way. I was very harsh on myself. I pushed myself to the limits always giving more than I was asked to. I never allowed myself to be lazy or just sit and enjoy. I had to be busy all the time. By doing so, I thought I was better, constantly improving. But for what price?

I started to think about yesterday while I was lying in bed all day long and doing particularly n o t h i n g . I enjoyed it so much. I spent a cosy day under the blanket with a coffee or chai latte, homemade pizza and breaks for napping. I can’t remember when I last had such a day. That made me think about my life. I questioned my urge to be constantly on the move, to get busy with anything just to be doing something. I used to think about my work all the time. I devoted Sundays to prepare myself for the next week, and finished the previous week late on Fridays. I could see the tiredness on my face, worsened health, sleepless nights, problems with concentration, but I kept on going at the same pace or faster.

One day I’ve just had enough. I sat and reflected. That day I took some important decisions concerning my life. I wished to have more balance between my work and private life that almost didn’t exist. I changed my mindset. I chose to give less to have space and resources to offer extra when necessary.

And I realized one important thing. If someone asks you to give 100%, and your capability is 80%; that’s already a great score! And you still have this extra 20% to offer. If they ask you for 100% and you give 150%, from the start you’re operating on the reserves. How long are you able to do so? When will your reservoir finish?

Less is more, that’s my new motto. I stopped spreading myself thin for everyone. My life is getting better and better.

❤ LK