On the Pursuit of Happiness. Part Four.

(November 2016)

On Lost and Found

The peculiar thing about life is that when you care much about something, very often this thing vanishes or is totally unavailable for you. It’s the same with people. You care much about someone and they just take this for granted. But because you care so much, you try not to see this. All in all, you don’t want to hurt them. They are in a fragile state so you should be understanding and loyal. So you are patient. Silent.  You try very hard to make them happy, to show that you are there for them if they need you. But they seem not to be noticing this. And you get a bit frustrated. You mention it once or twice, well maybe it is not ok, maybe there’s something wrong. They don’t listen.

And they leave.

First, it gives you a very bitter feel. You can’t quite understand the behavior of them and think the things over and over again. Next comes frustration. Since you can’t understand why things turned out to be this or that way, you just get angry. You can associate the situation with your past experiences, and it makes you even more angry. But not with them. You get angry with yourself that even though you promised yourself that NO ONE will ever fool you again, you yourself have just made it happen. Again. It’s at this stage when your eyes are always red, you’re absent-minded most of the times because you keep on trying to understand why things have happened the same way again. And you tried so hard to make it different this time. And when you get back home, tears are just falling, you try to stop them but it’s pretty impossible. It takes a few days like these, at this stage.

The next is the one of not feeling anything. You meet friends, people at work, you function on a regular basis, you smile, tell jokes, go out at night. Everything seems to be OK. But there’s just one small difference. You feel nothing. You observe people around and while once it would give you a lot of joy and inspiration, now it means nothing. Indeed, the word “nothing” best describes it. Total absence of feelings, emotions, dreams, thoughts. You become numb.

One day, though, you wake up in the morning and the sky outside the window seems to be brighter, your eyelids are not that heavy anymore. You stretch in your bed and whisper: “It’s gonna be a good day, girl!”. And while drinking your morning cup of coffee you start feeling how the gratitude spreads around your body. You feel so thankful to those people for making it so hard for you. It was difficult but you managed. You are strong. You have the will to continue. You don’t feel anything negative anymore. The only thing you want to do is smile and get on a new journey. Meet new friends, get hurt by them again.

Because you know that they won’t break your spirit, the more they try to hurt you, the more faith in them you will have. You will love them even more tha before. You continue being naive and warm-hearted. You will be generous to them, greet them with smiles and warm words. You know they need this so much.

That’s what life is about.

© Lusessita Kingsley 2018