On the Pursuit of Happiness. Part 3.

(November 2016)

Forever single?

I didn’t tell my friends about my decision to move to the island. I knew their reaction too well. “Are you crazy?”, “What are you going to do there?”, “This is stupid, you have such a good life here.” and so on. I knew it. I mentioned once or twice that I was considering a change in my life but none of my friends approved of it. For many people, a stable, somehow satisfying job, a place to be back after work, maybe family or a partner is enough to create their comfort zone and never leave it to experience something different. This is not me.

I’ve always been a nonconformist, a free spirit. I‘ve never been attached to material things. I never possessed a lot of stuff, just the necessities like a bed, some closet and a desk. Barely visible decorations on the walls, mostly postcards from my trips and other souvenirs placed on the shelves along with books. I tried to keep it simple just in case I decide to move again. It was easy this way to one day decide to pack myself up and go to a new place.

It is also quite convenient to do so when you’re single. No kids to take care of, no partner to be considered in your plans. I think that was the main reason why I’ve been single most of my life. It just made it so easy for me to not be attached to anyone. Of course, there is my family, but in fact the farther away we are from each other the better our relations are. However, it feels so much different from having a partner. Long-distance relationships were never an option. I’d always get too insecure and make up a lot of things in my head so the love story always ended a disaster.

Looking at my love choices I can surely admit I always chose a guy who was either unavailable for me or far away from me probably just to make it impossible to start any serious relationship. The word “relationship” itself was giving me chills. It was too huge responsibility on my part to be emotionally involved in a person, care about him and deal with his problems and still having to deal with my problems, too. It was always too much for me. and it would stress me out to a level I’d get paralysed and stifle any emotions or feelings. I enjoyed much more just short romances filled with joy and fun when no one got the things too seriously and thanks to this there wasn’t this unnecessary tension and expectations didn’t appear.

To be honest, it’s really difficult to me to deal with stressful situations. They affect me too much, both mentally and physically. If I find myself in a stressful situation for a longer period of time, I can experience its effects for a really long time in my body. That is why, just to keep myself away from it, I usually just back out when the air gets too thick. The same with relationships, if it gets too intensive I leave.

I never saw a point in fighting for a person. I mean, forcing someone to become interested in me. I always had it in a way that if I didn’t feel the sparkle straight away from the very first minute I met someone, I could never force myself to feel anything for him. So to be fair I never force anyone to fall for me. Maybe it is also the reason why I am all the time single, but being surrounded by people living in unhappy relationships only proved my point.

Things changed when I moved to the island, though. I’d meet a lot of successful couples leading partner lives full of love and respect toward each other. That brought faith back into my heart that maybe not everything was lost for me and that one day I could experience true love myself. And so it happened.

© Lusessita Kingsley 2018


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